A life turned upside down . . . .
May 17, 2011 § 4 Comments
My breath is the only sound I hear. I feel desperate to sense the noise of another something. Anything. Preferably a comforting sound. The bark of a dog, the rustling of some trees or maybe children playing. Anything will let me know I am not alone.
The last thing I remember is the taste of the loosely woven fabric, cotton wool I am sure of it. And the sensation of a nice deep sleep, a sleep without dreams. I wake up with a overwhelming sense of calm after a sleep without dreams. My dreams are normally filled with my life’s pressures. Others I have wronged and others I feel are trying to hurt me in some way.
I don’t know how long I have been like this. Time escapes me. Its quite a nice feeling. The pace of now is set by the rhythmic movements of my inner self. My tummy is rumbling like the faint movements before an earthquake. I must have been here a while, I can’t have eaten recently. The more I think of eating the more my tummy makes me know it needs attention. It feels warm. But other parts of me need more attention. I can feel my left arm pulsing. The blood from my heart is being pumped directly to that arm and nowhere else. I imagine it in my mind. Every cell going through my heart, through my veins and up to my arm. I can almost hear it. It’s not the comforting sound I need but I do hear it. There is no pain just a signal to my brain telling me, my body exists. I can’t tell where it is but it’s warm.
There is an echo, its faint, but it’s an echo. I can’t tell whether it is in my head or where I am. My breathing is shallow, a babies sleeping breath and the calmest breeze on a summers lake. The sound is in the middle of my head. It’s the buzzing of the smallest insect right in the middle of my head. I can’t hear anything else.
My head feels warm. Red. It feels as if all the blood has rushed to the top of my brain. It’s the nicest feeling I have right now.
I picture every part of my body in my mind, but I do not try to move. There are flashes of dust before my eyes. It’s like the birth of the universe. I can’t tell if my eyes are open, I must blink. I can feel the slight waft of fresh air on the top of my cheeks from my eyelashes, I shiver, somehow it makes me cold. Colder than I have ever been.
What am I wearing. I can’t feel my clothes. I am cold and I can’t feel whether I have anything around me to keep me warm. I have never felt this way. It is a nice feeling, but it’s not. Warm and cold at the same time, how odd.
I can’t think of anything else but the cold from my eyelashes and the warm throb above my brain. There’s tingling. Where? It feels like my toes, but; it’s behind my back. A dull throbbing somewhere below me. My legs, it’s my legs, I can feel my legs. I must move. Maybe all of my feelings will return . . . . . Nothing.
What was that? . . . . . . Silence. Silence can be the most deafening noise when there is nothing to hear. Not a sound. Concentrate, concentrate really really hard . . . . . MOVE . . . . Nothing. That echo is starting to take it’s toll. I am desperately trying to replace it with nice thoughts. Laughter, warmth, family and a sense of love from someone close. It’s not working. Why is that ringing getting louder. Nothing has changed, I am still in the same place. I can’t feel a thing. What was . . . . . . I feel sick inside with dread. What if I am here forever. Have I been here forever? Am I dead? I can’t think like that. STOP IT!!
What if I went to sleep again. I must think of something to dream about. Nice . . . . . blackness. The dark empty space that is my existence. The feeling of a fallen soul in the darkest corner of hell. It’s not working, it’s just not working. Why am I thinking this way? I can’t remember a lighter time. I am getting warmer. This is a familiar feeling. The darkness, the dread, the dying . . . . . . .
Mr Toity! There you are you silly tortoise, you fell down the well again. And ended upside down, you are a silly boy. What have we told you about walking near the well. We need to put a fence around that thing I reckon. Have you been eating your bed again too, you must be hungry, let’s get you inside for some food.
Ah, silly me – I remember now. OOh food, yummy!
Laters gaters x